Recognizing the warning signs and helping someone you love
Your mom has been living alone for a few years since your dad’s passing. Your parents took steps to make sure she would be financially secure in his absence, and their plans were successful. Yet even as she has established new routines and adapted to her new circumstances, she has been lonely. She misses the companionship of having a partner.
Then she calls you with exciting news. She has met someone online. She has been exchanging emails, text messages, and voice calls with him for weeks. It has been a whirlwind, but she feels like a part of her is waking up again. She thinks she is falling in love.
You want to be happy for her but as you ask more, things begin to feel wrong. She admits she has never actually met this man in person but explains that is only because he has been going through a tough time. Even though they have made plans to get together, something always comes up and delays their meeting. And then you learn that money has changed hands.
What do you do when you suspect someone you love is being scammed, especially when they believe the relationship is real?
What are the warning signs of a romance scam?
Your mom says that she initially received a message from this man after she responded to a comment he made on her Facebook post. He told her that he was very impressed with her post and just knew she had to be as kind as she is beautiful. He said that it was incredible they had so many interests and viewpoints in common. He explained that he was retired from the military, but his current work involved many trips overseas. He said he was lonely and wanted to get to know her better.
Your mom explains to you that she checked out his profile before she started messaging him and saw that he had pictures from when he was in the service. She says that it also made sense to her that even though they had been communicating for weeks, he was unable to take video calls because of the security issues with his work. They did set a date when he was flying in and they would finally be able to meet in person, but at the last minute he had a family emergency. She says that she felt terrible for what he was going through and wired him some money so that he could take care of things.
Any one of these things could be true. One red flag does not necessarily mean someone is speaking with a scammer. However, a pattern of them deserves attention.
There are red flags that are common in romance scams:
- A relationship becoming unusually intense very quickly.
- The person always having a reason they cannot meet in person.
- Repeated problems with video calls or other ways of verifying their identity.
- Stories involving overseas work, military service, business travel, emergencies, medical problems, and other reasons that they are unavailable.
- Requests for money including wire transfers, cryptocurrency, gift cards, or payments to third parties.
- Increasing secrecy or defensiveness when family members ask questions.
- Attempts to isolate the person from relatives or friends who express concern.
- Requests for money that become larger or more frequent over time.
If someone you have never met in person asks you for money, that should be treated as a significant warning sign regardless of how convincing the explanation may seem.
Why doesn’t the person recognize what is happening?
Falling victim to a scam does not necessarily mean someone was careless or gullible. According to the most recent statistics available from the FBI’s 2025 Internet Crime Report, there were 23,159 complaints categorized as confidence/romance scams, with reported losses totaling more than $929 million. That number does not account for the people who may have felt too embarrassed or upset to come forward with their complaints. Nearly 60% of people who reported losing money to a romance scam in 2025 said it started with contact on social media. Common patterns have emerged as to how scammers operate.
- They may search a victim’s social media accounts and then find ways they can be targeted.
- They fill a void for their victim by showering them with affection and attention. They manipulate their feelings into believing that they are in a real relationship.
- They may test the waters with requests for small amounts of money or gift cards.
- Later, they may invent a bigger crisis requiring money or share “a great investment opportunity” which draws the victim onto a fake investment platform.
- Other times they will coerce their victim into sending them explicit personal photos and then blackmail them for money to prevent from publishing them online.
Once a scammer locks in on an individual, they may spend weeks or months developing trust, companionship, and emotional intimacy. A victim may begin having a sense that something is not right, but scammers will always have an answer for every concern.
When the victim has invested themselves emotionally and perhaps financially, accepting that the relationship isn’t real means accepting several painful things simultaneously.
They have been deceived. They may have lost money. And the person they believed cared about them never existed in the way they thought.
How should I talk to someone I think is being scammed?
This is a delicate situation that should be approached with care. Rather than immediately accusing the romantic interest of being a scammer, it can be helpful to ask questions. Avoid language that makes your loved one feel foolish, embarrassed, or responsible for what has happened.
- Have you met them in person? If not, why is that?
- Have you video chatted?
- Have they asked you for money?
- Where is the money going?
- Has anyone independently verified who this person is?
- Would you be comfortable if we checked some of this together?
Gently encourage them to tell you more about their conversations. Offer to help them do a reverse-image search on their photos to see if they have been used elsewhere. Help them to review details of the person’s story. Ultimately, you are there to support your loved one and the goal is for them to see the situation with some outside perspective. Rather than forcing them to defend the relationship, they may reach their own doubts.
What if they refuse to believe you?
This can be a very difficult situation when you feel your loved one is vulnerable and you want to protect them. However, you must try to avoid turning it into a dynamic of you versus the scammer. If, for instance, your mom has been speaking with this man for almost a month and has developed strong feelings for him, she may shut down if she feels that you are threatening her happiness. The scammer may have already prepared her for everything you may say. “Your children don’t understand us. They’re trying to control you. They only care about your money.” A scammer who has anticipated your objections may use your concern as further evidence that other people are trying to interfere with the relationship.
Instead, keep communication open. Continue asking calm questions. Document what you know and consider bringing in another trusted person if appropriate.
Should you involve a financial advisor?
Competent adults can make decisions about their own money. However, someone who rejects their child’s concerns may react differently when their financial advisor asks questions. If you know who manages your loved one’s finances, you can consider sharing your concerns with that professional. Keep in mind that privacy requirements may prevent the advisor from discussing your loved one’s accounts or financial activity with you.
A financial advisor may be able to provide a professional perspective and help their client take a closer look at what is happening. Depending on the circumstances, the advisor may notice unusual withdrawals, liquidation requests, or other changes in financial behavior. They can also educate clients about financial fraud and discuss steps that may help protect their accounts.
What should you do if money has already been sent?
Unfortunately, it is quite difficult to recover money in many cases of fraud, but you can take immediate action to try to prevent additional losses.
- Contact any banks, credit card companies, or other financial institutions involved immediately. Notify them that you were the victim of a scam, ask them to stop any pending or future transfers, and file a fraud claim when possible.
- If personal information such as a Social Security number or account credentials was shared, take appropriate identity-theft precautions, which may include changing passwords, securing financial accounts, and freezing credit.
- Preserve texts, emails, usernames, receipts, and transaction information.
- Report the scammer’s profile to the social media platform where contact first began.
- File fraud reports with local police, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center, and the Federal Trade Commission (FTC).
Be particularly cautious of recovery scams. Once someone has lost money to fraud, they may be targeted again by people claiming they can recover the stolen funds for a fee. Never pay someone who unexpectedly contacts you and promises to recover money lost to a scam.
Protecting someone you love starts before a scam happens.
With scammers constantly developing new and increasingly sophisticated ways to target potential victims, almost anyone can encounter an attempted scam. The best protection against financial exploitation isn’t simply knowing every scam that’s out there. It’s about having a plan. Who does Mom call before making a large transfer? Who can Dad run things by to make sure they sound legitimate before taking financial action? Does the family speak enough about finances so that somebody would notice a significant behavioral change? Are trusted contacts on financial accounts up to date? To protect your loved ones from scams, you can begin by having conversations now that can make it easier to ask for help when something doesn’t feel right. If you would like more information, please contact us.